Something has changed. It’s different and new and I don’t know what to do about it. I wanted to kiss him tonight.
So well I’ve been telling you about the cute guy, remember? Well that was sometime in august when I had a teeny crush on him, but dismissed the feeling as nothing more. But then we slowly became friends, grew close to each other. And now I think I’m slowly losing sight of what we have and confusing everything in my head.
Okay so well when we first started talking, I had a crush on him. But then soon got over it as it was just something very flimsy. I’m a
in love or ruled by my hormones?
sucker for personality and his is great. He’s quiet, hardworking and sincere and over all nice. But then I found out who he was as a person. What he liked and didn’t, what he believed in and all his other thoughts. He tried to understand how my thoughts flow, what I think about, who I am. It wasn’t easy… We fought almost every third day, still do. But then no matter what we fight about, we make up the next day or sooner, the next minute. We simply cannot stay mad at each other. I believed it was only purely platonic. That there were no other affectations. But tonight makes me think I might have been wrong.
A few weeks ago we kind of fessed up that we like each other, or previously liked each other in manners other than friends. But we were also very very sure about the point that we did not want to date each other, as being in a relationship entails commitments and responsibilities and troubles that we are not ready for right now. I thought I couldn’t have asked for more. I was happy and content and felt a little blessed. But tonight has thrown all that into a ditch.
A few days ago, he told me that the only reason he is not asking me out is because he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. And I was okay with that because honestly, I’m extremely comfortable with where I am right now. I’m safe and happy and secure. I don’t have to worry if he is going to ditch me. I don’t have to worry about any sort of physical intimacy that I’m not comfortable with but have to take part in for sake of the relationship. I have the best thing possible.
And to top all of this, this week when I came down all the way to his city to surprise him, he surprised me with his reaction. I had planned that I would go see him while he was at practice (STUD plays footsie ) and he would probably give me a smile, or a hug and make me wait until the game was over and then ask me the general questions like when had I come and why hadn’t I informed him…all this with normal curiosity. But instead what happened was nothing less than a movie scene. I was standing at the gate of the field, the gates being slightly ajar. I saw him playing and he was standing right in front of me, but couldn’t see me coz he was concentrating on the game. And then someone kicked the ball, I heard someone yell “goal” I have no idea why and the ball came flying towards the gate and me. And all I could think of was “fuck Natasha,that is going to hit you”. But instead, as a reflex I lifted my leg a slight, the ball hit my thigh and stopped and then he just looked at the ball first, noticed something or someone had stopped it and then looked up to my face. His expression was priceless. I have never, ever seen anybody so happy on seeing me. His mouth open, he came in a slight run towards me, almost tackled me to the ground with his force and gave me a hug that choked but was welcome all the same. And then he held my face in both his hands (his hands are huge, my face feels kind of small in them ) and kind of smacked me, hugged me again, and then again hit my face like he didn’t know what to do with his hands!! He apologized to my sister for ignoring her at first and then said something along the lines of “take the ball, I’m not playing” but then I asked him to continue the game and see me after it was done. Took him 5-8 minutes to calm down and go back to the field. But that reaction, I’m never ever going to forget. He got teased a bit by the others on the field and I did not really wish for that to happen, but he doesn’t mind it so I guess it’s okay.
So well a guy who constantly says he misses you, wants you around all the time and wants to spend every waking minute with you. Do I need anything more to prove to me that he does in fact genuinely like me? But then my brain, being the manipulator and speculator that it is, suddenly had me thinking along a different direction today. Something happened, we had a tiff and I walked away. He followed but then with an expression like he was being held against his will. That made me think. What if he doesn’t really want me here? What if he’s been having too much of my company and is sick of it? I mean, I have in fact visited him over 4 times and spent an average of 2 months here. What if he is bored and wants out. Out of what? Out of whatever it is that we have. So I got really upset and weird but I did not tell him all this. I thought I’d just ignore it and go home and not think about it. But then I was restless. I wanted to see him, hold him by his collar and ask what the fuck was his problem, even though I probably can’t do that-he is way taller than me. So I waited until I knew he would be done with practice, dedicated guy is the
to leave the field. I met him, sat down on the bleachers with him and talked. I told him all that I was worried about. He said I was stupid and thought too much about trivial things. And right then in the dark, I had this irresistible urge to just kiss him. But I didn’t. More on it later. I’m super sleepy, and he’s going to call me to wake me up tomorrow.