2014. mistake.

A lot happened this year. A lot that I would like to forget and a whole lot that I have learnt from. It’s been a quite busy year, college wise. Relationship wise I have been free as a duck. Wait, no, a duck has had a better love life than me I’m sure. Anyways.

There are only 3 days left for this year to end. I don’t have any strong feelings about it at the moment. Don’t know if it will remain the same on 31st.
This year I experienced firsthand what it’s like to be ‘played‘ by someone. And I’m sure we all know that it must be a really horrible feeling even if some of us haven’t experienced it yet. Let me TRY and explain to you how it feels. Its like you wake up in the morning, realize there is no milk for your cereal, then you burn your shirt while ironing it, slip and fall while taking a shower, find that your dog chewed through your shoe, run late for class and then get sent out only to come home in the evening to find that your apartment burnt down. Just yours no one else’s. Now imagine this happening every. single. day.

After a while, you don’t even cry.

Then it just becomes a case of “this shit could only happen to me”.

I get it, handling rejection is tough. No really, it sucks, I know.

But handling rejection when you don’t even know that they’re rejecting you? That is a whole different world of pain.

And it doesn’t help when you realize you set yourself up for this. You knew full well that this could happen. You knew that it does in fact happen. But you never thought it could happen to you. And you know that ‘instinct’ of yours that always rings alarm bells when something bad is about to happen? Yeah well let’s just say my ‘instinct’ was on a fucking vacation somewhere coz I swear to god I got NOTHING when I met this guy. *low frustrated growls* well yeah my friend did warn me, but I just thought, “Hey, he’s just being an ass coz he wanted me for himself”(more on that later)

Now whether that was 100% true or not, I still don’t know. But what I do know is NEVER EVER EVER BE WITH SOMEONE WHO TELLS YOU BAD STUFF HE DID TO OTHER GIRLS. It’s a trick they play into making you think that “hey, if he can trust me and come open about all these things, then that must mean that he really wouldn’t do it to me, right?” FUCKING WRONG.

It took me a lot of time to get over it. I started analyzing why he could have done what he did and I came down to just one thing: I’m fucking easy.

But truth is no I’m not. I’m not fucking easy. I’m not someone you can sweep off her feet and straight into bed. I did this because I was lonely and vulnerable and he took advantage of it. Simple.

Well I don’t hold grudges, I really don’t. But I sure do hope he has the same exact experience that I had.

do we have a problem here?

So I and him had a huge fight last night that ended in me crying and pleading for him to stop, him accusing me of things i hadn’t thought of and my sister snatching my phone away and switching it off saying “he has issues, you need to stay away from him”.

So let me tell you exactly how it went down. I had gone out to see a friend who was passing through town and while I was out with him, I kept my phone away because I wasn’t really texting anybody or expecting any calls or texts. And that’s when he messaged saying he was pissed coz apparently I was too busy for him and was ignoring him just coz I was out with a friend!! I got upset at that and constantly messaged back saying I wasn’t ignoring him or anything, just that I was out, he was out and I didn’t really have anything to say so wasn’t texting!! Gosh! I have never known any male friend or acquaintance of mine who loves to be texting 24/7!! And then later on he said everything was okay and then went for practice and called me up at night after practice was done and then started the same topic again and said I was ignoring him, making excuses and lying and not valuing him enough. And then one of my other friends happened to call, and he could hear the call waiting tone so he asked me to answer it. I said it wasn’t important, coz It really wasn’t and then he started with another shit like “you answered so-and-so’s call and put me on hold, why don’t you answer all your other friends too!?” And that really pissed me off, coz I have never before put his call on hold and answered anyone except my parents!! And I was so hurt and he was accusing me of all these things like a crazed man!! And then my sister came into my room and in a loud voice enough for him to hear asked me to hang up. I just sat there crying and looking at her, so she took the phone away from my hand, switched it off and said this – “you need to stop talking to him. He is crazy and has issues, definitely. I know you don’t want to tell me what’s going on, and I’m not going to ask coz you probably will say it is none of my business. But if he is making you cry, then you gotta get away from him”. So after that we just watched some shows and then I went to bed. I turned my phone back on, but by the time he called again, I was fast asleep and so tired that I didn’t hear it. Woke up in the morning and checked all his messages, realized he was feeling sorry and then texted him . he called up, we spoke for 3 hours and sorted things out. He said he realized he had acted like a complete psycho and that he didn’t know what had brought it on, but he regretted it and that he had never wanted to make me cry and had failed. I forgave him obviously, what else would I do? He loves me I know that. And I love him. Issues like these are not issues at all. These are just feelings misdirected.

kill him. or kill me.

It’s been one hell of a frustrating night. He says he loves me. Says he is affected by me. Says I should stay the fuck away from him for my own good. Says he didn’t really mean any of it. I want to kill him. Of course I don’t really, but I should. I really should.

So when the guy decides to go crazy and act like a girl, I wish I could just ignore him and go sleep, but I cant so I’m fucked in the head now. Its 3 fucking 40 in the morning right now and all I want to do is stab him to death for ruining my night. I was so fucking tired when I came home and then he started with this drama which was not even necessary and now everything is fucked up and we are not talking to each other.

And if that fucker comes up and says that he cant fucking live without talking to me, I am going to slit his fucking throat.

He acts like he is my  bloody boyfriend, when he is not and then gets mad at me if I don’t treat him like that. The fuck?

I’m confused beyond words, I don’t know what to do or what to feel anymore. Definitely he is not good for my health. So many nights wasted on just thinking about this shit. Constantly trying to prove to him that I’m not fucking  kidding about my feelings and emotions that I am fucking genuine.

Son of a bitch. I’m pretty sure he isn’t sleeping either. Good. He don’t deserve any sleep, if he had to ruin mine!

*sigh* I’m tired . so bloody tired. I want to sleep, but now I’m restless. Gahh. We are friends. We are best friends. But I don’t know everything about him while he knows everyfucking detail about me. He is mysterious and broody and I don’t like to poke my nose where its not my businesss. I give him enough space, yet he doesn’t appreciate that. He is fucking insecure or psychotic, chances being, both. We fight like we are a couple, so if we were actually a couple, oh my dear lord I would have gone insane by now. We hang out, hold hands, hug. But we have never kissed and I don’t ever want to kiss him. We are everything but. At the same time we are nothing. Its confusing while it should have been fucking simple. I’m going to kill him.

And all this while some kid somewhere is dying only because she is hungry. The world is a messed up place filled with petty messed up people like me and him.

CONFUSED FEELINGS OR JUST HORMONES

Something has changed. It’s different and new and I don’t know what to do about it. I wanted to kiss him tonight.

So well I’ve been telling you about the cute guy, remember? Well that was sometime in august when I had a teeny crush on him, but dismissed the feeling as nothing more. But then we slowly became friends, grew close to each other. And now I think I’m slowly losing sight of what we have and confusing everything in my head.

Okay so well when we first started talking, I had a crush on him. But then soon got over it as it was just something very flimsy. I’m a

in love or ruled by my hormones?

in love or ruled by my hormones?

sucker for personality and his is great. He’s quiet, hardworking and sincere and over all nice. But then I found out who he was as a person. What he liked and didn’t,  what he believed in and all his other thoughts. He tried to understand how my thoughts flow, what I think about, who I am. It wasn’t easy… We fought almost every third day, still do. But then no matter what we fight about, we make up the next day or sooner, the next minute. We simply cannot stay mad at each other.  I believed it was only purely platonic. That there were no other affectations. But tonight makes me think I might have been wrong.

A few weeks ago we kind of fessed up that we like each other, or previously liked each other in manners other than friends. But we were also very very sure about the point that we did not want to date each other, as being in a relationship entails commitments and responsibilities and troubles that we are not ready for right now.  I thought I couldn’t have asked for more. I was happy and content and felt a little blessed. But tonight has thrown all that into a ditch.

A few days ago, he told me that the only reason he is not asking me out is because he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. And I was okay with that because honestly, I’m extremely comfortable with where I am right now. I’m safe and happy and secure. I don’t have to worry if he is going to ditch me. I don’t have to worry about any sort of physical intimacy that I’m not comfortable with but have to take part in for sake of the relationship. I have the best thing possible.

And to top all of this, this week when I came down all the way to his city to surprise him, he surprised me with his reaction. I had planned that I would go see him while he was at practice (STUD plays footsie ) and he would probably give me a smile, or a hug and make me wait until the game was over and then ask me the general questions like when had I come and why hadn’t I informed him…all this with normal curiosity. But instead what happened was nothing less than a movie scene. I was standing at the gate of the field, the gates being slightly ajar. I saw him playing and he was standing right in front of me, but couldn’t see me coz he was concentrating on the game. And then someone kicked the ball, I heard someone yell “goal” I have no idea why and the ball came flying towards the gate and me. And all I could think of was “fuck Natasha,that is going to hit you”. But instead, as a reflex I lifted my leg a slight, the ball hit my thigh and stopped and then he just looked at the ball first, noticed something or someone had stopped it and then looked up to my face. His expression was priceless. I have never, ever seen anybody so happy on seeing me. His mouth open, he came in a slight run towards me, almost tackled me to the ground with his force and gave me a hug that choked but was welcome all the same. And then he held my face in both his hands (his hands are huge, my face feels kind of small in them ) and kind of smacked me, hugged me again, and then again hit my face like he didn’t know what to do with his hands!! He apologized to my sister for ignoring her at first and then said something along the lines of “take the ball, I’m not playing” but then I asked him to continue the game and see me after it was done.  Took him 5-8 minutes to calm down and go back to the field. But that reaction, I’m never ever going to forget. He got teased a bit by the others on the field and I did not really wish for that to happen, but he doesn’t mind it so I guess it’s okay.

So well a guy who constantly says he misses you, wants you around all the time and wants to spend every waking minute with you. Do I need anything more to prove to me that he does in fact genuinely like me? But then my brain, being the manipulator and speculator that it is, suddenly had me thinking along a different direction today. Something happened, we had a tiff and I walked away. He followed but then with an expression like he was being held against his will. That made me think. What if he doesn’t really want me here? What if he’s been having too much of my company and is sick of it? I mean, I have in fact visited him over 4 times and spent an average of 2 months here. What if he is bored and wants out. Out of what? Out of whatever it is that we have. So I got really upset and weird but I did not tell him all this. I thought I’d just ignore it and go home and not think about it. But then I was restless. I wanted to see him, hold him by his collar and ask what the fuck was his problem, even though I probably can’t do that-he is way taller than me. So I waited until I knew he would be done with practice, dedicated guy is the

to leave the field. I met him, sat down on the bleachers with him and talked. I told him all that I was worried about. He said I was stupid and thought too much about trivial things. And right then in the dark, I had this irresistible urge to just kiss him. But I didn’t. More on it later. I’m super sleepy, and he’s going to call me to wake me up tomorrow.

update

So my exams are done. Just the theory exam though, practical’s are still left but we haven’t got the schedule yet. I’m guessing it’ll probably be after New Year’s. Anyways. I did pretty well in them, considering how hard I had studied, and all I want is just passing grades, but um extremely extremely worried and I can’t seem to think of anything else but bad things. I need to study like crazy for practicals and viva to make sure that I haven’t left out any opportunity to score.

Well right now I’m with my sister in her city. Came down for a couple of days, just to relax and eat out and meet up with my friends. This BTW  went extremely extremely different than what I had expected. More on that later maybe. *sigh* its 3:23 in the morning, I should be sleeping but somehow not sleepy at all. I can’t stop thinking about what happened today. Gahh..Should go.

15.08.2012

Another day at home. I went to bed at 7 in the morning and now its 3pm. My best friend is again caught up in something; she has to take her grand mum to the doctor. Which means I’ll probably not see her today either. Damn it I just want to go back to college, at least then il have something to do!!!!!!! I hate being here, in the same city as her and still being at home all day alone!!

Fuck this shit. And of all days, today I’m short on cash 😡 I could have gone and bought some books or something. Shit man I want to cry, and that’s pissing me off cause lately that’s all I want to do. Fuck. Not enough fucks in the world. She wants me to come over by 5. Yeah? What about my safety? If her father can be concerned about her safety then wouldn’t my parents be worried about mine? How am I supposed to come home at 8 or 9 in the night all alone? Fuck I hate this. That’s it. Next year onwards I’m not ruining my vacations like this. I’m not coming over travelling 12 hours on a bus, alone just to face this. No. next year on I take a trip to the mountains or something. Or I just stay home. At least it’ll be my house.

That’s it. 3 more days and I’m outta here. I’ll just have to hold on for 3 more days. I’m trying so hard not to give in and cut myself. I don’t know why but I want to cut myself and feel it but I know that if I do then I’ll have to explain to my parents why I did it and they won’t understand and they’ll misunderstand it as some cheap act and then I’ll just be more frustrated than ever.