all your insecurities, your fears, all of your troubles and tears.

I don’t know how to cope with this. I just don’t. I feel like I am wasting away my life while other 21 year olds are living it up, making a change, doing things. And not just fun stuff, but things that matter things that involve other people. Things that affect other people. Life-changing material. And here I am over-weight and unhappy sitting out at home feeling miserable about it. 

All things considered, yes, I’m doing a professional course that requires all of my time and money.  And yes, I don’t have funds that allow me to travel, or participate. Or the time for it actually. But do I want to live my entire life passively? Or rather, will I? Is that how it’s going to be? Finish your BDS, graduate, do a post graduation, work, marry, procreate, and die. All in one place. All in one lifetime


It’s like at the end of a really great movie, you go home feeling pumped up about how things are going to change, how you will personally bring about that change. From tomorrow. Always from tomorrow. But then tomorrow comes and passes by and it’s all the same. Again. Until the end. 


Is it laziness? Is that what’s causing all the pain? Is it something else? If yes, what? What is causing me to be so stuck in monotony? What is it that my life is lacking, or that I feel my life is lacking? Is there a way to figure this out without comparison?? I mean, after all said and done, comparison is the thief of joy, no?


Thoughts like these drive me down a sick insane road and I would rather not be there. I don’t know how to cope with it. I want to change things; I want to be that change. I want to take control of my life and be content.  I want to believe that whatever I am doing, is because I want to do it. And that there is nothing that I can’t do. I want to feel like I am responsible for how I live, for my happiness. I don’t need another person, far from it. But I want to be loved. Such contradictions. Such contradictory notions stuffed down into a 5’6” body. 


For every day that I waste being miserable, I’m being a thankless fool. And nothing can forgive that.

I want to change.

I will change.

But how?