So why am I doing this?

So I was going for my morning run today and started thinking…why am I doing this? I mean I’m not obese or anything, and not like I want to wait until I am. But I was just thinking- I started putting on weight sometime after puberty and ever since then though I have been uncomfortable and sometimes extremely unhappy about the way I look, I’ve only on some rare occasions taken measures to change that. And would it be weird if I told you that the only times I ever really wanted to change the way my body looked was when I was in a relationship? See people would think that you want to look hot when you’re single so you can get a boyfriend. But my story’s a little different. I usually don’t care about how I look while I’m single and then once I get a boyfriend, I start working out. For me love isn’t enough. On some occasions I want him to lust me.  So in my 19 years, I have only 6 times taken measures to better my physique. The first time was when I was 14 yrs old and my sister wanted company for aerobics class; gave up after 3 weeks coz I had no energy to cope with school, aerobics and 5 hr long tuition class. The 2nd time was when I was 16 and my mum thought I could use some power yoga along with my aunt; gave up after a month coz my mum had some issue with the trainer. The 3rd time was when I was 17, had just got into a relationship and wanted to motivate my fat boyfriend by looking healthier; gave up after 2 months coz he wasn’t really getting affected and I was losing so much weight people thought I was sick. The 4th time was when I had just got into university and was bored out of my mind so joined the gym coz my roommate thought it would be fun; gave up after a month coz I moved out and away from the place. And now when I’m 19 and have a boyfriend who is a footballer and want to match up to at least half his fit body.

Don’t get it wrong. I’m not doing it because I feel pressurized or anything. I just feel I have so much more potential. I could be so much happier if I was just a little thinner. No matter how many times you deny it or say it’s wrong, the models in print and on the internet are always going to make you feel bad about yourself unless you are actually the same size. And though not always healthy, it’s a form of motivation. So I finally listed down my reasons for wanting to lose weight:

  1. I want to fit into that damned dress that doesn’t come in any size except small and medium.
  2. I want my mum to stop saying “you’re so pretty. If only you were a little thinner”
  3. I want my boyfriend’s friends to stop thinking of him as a chubby chaser.
  4. I want to be able to look my doctor in the eye and say “HA! You think my PCOD is going to make me fat? Hell I am not putting up with it”
  5. Last but not the least I never again want to hear someone say “you’re fluffy. I know fluffy is the new fat, but hey you’re not really fat”
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