Being single this Diwali

found this in my diary. wanted to put it up.

“This festival meant a lot to me as a kid. I used to stay awake watching Kermit while my mum and sister would be up all night drawing elaborate rangoli’s. And also all those things mum would prepare and then ask us to serve them to dad when he would come home. I miss all that. I miss being with them. I miss being a family. And then when I grew up, I used to help mum with the cleaning up, the rangoli and she finally had us to ask if her recipes tasted fine. Then there were faerie lights and lanterns and crackers and neighbours to exchange platters of sweets and savories with. There were brothers to help with the crackers and share. And pretty clothes to wear and holidays from school and staying up just to burst crackers and people to greet.

And now there is this. An empty apartment, a bunch of soda cans and empty chips packets and a crap load of studying. And memories of past making it all the more horrible. If I have kids, ever, I shall never make them go through this. I would either never make a deal out of festivals at all,  or if I do, then I would keep it up until the day I die. No matter what. If I ever have a family, I will never abandon them, even if unintentionally.”

so well my mum read this by chance. she cried. well i didn’t write it to make her cry. too bad that she did. i didn’t want to make her feel bad. i just. well. never mind.

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ahhhhh fuck! no no no!!

Okay last night was weird. So well let me start by telling you about my NYE day first, and then I can continue with the whole day and night. So well on 31st of December 2012, I woke up and went out at 10 in the morning to see Mr E. I was upset because my parents and I had been fighting. Me and dad actually. It was a mess. They couldn’t make it for NYE and so I and my sister would be spending it alone and I was pissed about that. All I have ever wanted is a normal family that spends time together and stays together…and that never happens. So well anyways. So I woke up when he called me, 15 minutes later was out of the house and he was there at my gate. I told him I just wanted to ride around and not really go anywhere. So he took me to a McDonald’s really out of the way and fed me hash browns. Like force fed me. Not nice. Anyways. So then he dropped me back home. And then I spent the entire day at home…and in the evening me and my sister were planning to go out and do a bit of shopping and dinner, when my mum called up and was crying because she was upset too that we were all separate and that upset my sister so she refused to move out of the house. I told her I couldn’t take anymore and just went out promising to be back within an hour or two. Called up my bestie and called up Mr E to come to the mall. So I got to the mall first, fuck loads of traffic on the way. Then like half hour later Mr E came. And we were just talking aboutus..and how a few hours earlier he had said something ridiculous like “he fell in love with me” and stuff. So I asked him to explain it to me and be really honest about it. Turns out, my intuition was spot on. He is infact in love with me, oh god just thinking about ths is giving me stomach ache even two days later!! So well this is what kinda happened that day.
Mr E : so how would you describe us? Like what we are..the relationship we share
Me : oh, well…umm you and I are just like neha and me, but only that you are a guy!
Mr E : seriously, that’s what its like for you?
Me : yes! Why? Is it any different for you??!
Mr E : yeah..well see all along I had been thinking that you and I were like..you know..you liked me, I liked you..but we are not dating because we don’t want to spoil this ..and well..turns out I have been wrong and I’m the only one who thinks so..hmm

*sigh* I’m tired..i think I should go sleep…iv been awake all night and now I’m feeling pukish. Oh and also on 31st, I met up with my ex-boyfriend in the same car where I had first kissed him 😡 more on that later!