the ex-

Okay. I thought I was over him. But then when she mentioned his name and said he was here, I freaked out and almost peed my pants.

I was just heading up to the mall with my sister, my best friend was already at the mall waiting. Then I got a call from her. “Where are you?” she asked.
me: in the auto. Almost there. What’s up?
she: you won’t fucking believe whom I just met. *****!!!
me: ahh fuck. There? Now? How!?!?
she: apparently he is in town coz his grand died. So yeah
me: hold on ! fuck!! No balance!! Wait I’ll call you back! Fuck!! Fuck!!

So when I finally got to the mall and spoke to her and got all details- that he was in town coz his grand died, he was there with his sister and that he had put on more weight than before, I freaked out and couldn’t move or think or say anything. I was surprised that the mere mention of his presence could shake me up so bad. It wasn’t that I had feelings for him or anything. No. I had moved on long back. It was just, I did not know what I was expected to do if I saw him ever again. Somehow in my head, I had been clinging to the idea that I would never ever see him again. And that was shattered by the possibility of a chance encounter!

I am much better now that the threat has passed and I am safe and sound in my own house. Apparently he had left his number with my bestie to pass it on to me coz  he had lost his phone and all his contacts. I did not take the number from her. But today I just messaged him on Facebook, passing condolences for his grand. Let’s see whether he replies or not. I don’t even know whether I want a reply or not.

update..

Okay so.  Well as expected, I and he sorted out things. I think he is in love.  Not with me, but who I am. And that is bad for both of us. Because 1) I don’t see any chances of anything ever becoming of us except for friends, and 2) I’m not in love with him.

So he sent me an IM on Facebook this morning and then asked if I was still mad at him. He said he had cried last night, because he was frustrated. I was still mad at him, but more than being mad, I was tired. Tired of the constant fighting. Tired of the constant thinking. Tired of being on my watch 24×7 waiting for things to explode in my face.

And plus today was the day my parents decided to play role reversal and started acting like insolent kids and I had to yell at my dad and that caused a huge fight. I asked Mr. E (coz I don’t want to write his name here) to come over to my area coz I just wanted to see him and run the fuck away from everybody else. And I had decided that today no matter what, I was going to do exactly what my heart wanted and not give my brain a chance to ruin things. It worked. We had a great time.

We went out, he was patient in listening to me rant about my fucked up parents. He did not once try and say anything like “maybe you should do this or do that” or any such smart ass comments which are highly unwelcome. He was just there. And I liked it. And then we called a few friends out too and then just lazed around and then he dropped me home and insisted on accompanying me to go buy dinner and actually assist me all the way to the gate of my apartment. *sigh* for the first time I kissed him on his cheek. I don’t know why. My heart said I should. My brain said it would be too much. I gave my brain the finger.

He is a nice guy, no doubt. But he is way too complicated in things that should be super simple and super chilled about something’s of extreme gravity. It’s like he is for the first time interacting with people and mixing in society and is having a hard time figuring out things. I’m patient. And I honestly don’t mind working things out with him. I just hope that in the process he doesn’t mix up everything I do . Also hoping I don’t mix up my own feelings.

kill him. or kill me.

It’s been one hell of a frustrating night. He says he loves me. Says he is affected by me. Says I should stay the fuck away from him for my own good. Says he didn’t really mean any of it. I want to kill him. Of course I don’t really, but I should. I really should.

So when the guy decides to go crazy and act like a girl, I wish I could just ignore him and go sleep, but I cant so I’m fucked in the head now. Its 3 fucking 40 in the morning right now and all I want to do is stab him to death for ruining my night. I was so fucking tired when I came home and then he started with this drama which was not even necessary and now everything is fucked up and we are not talking to each other.

And if that fucker comes up and says that he cant fucking live without talking to me, I am going to slit his fucking throat.

He acts like he is my  bloody boyfriend, when he is not and then gets mad at me if I don’t treat him like that. The fuck?

I’m confused beyond words, I don’t know what to do or what to feel anymore. Definitely he is not good for my health. So many nights wasted on just thinking about this shit. Constantly trying to prove to him that I’m not fucking  kidding about my feelings and emotions that I am fucking genuine.

Son of a bitch. I’m pretty sure he isn’t sleeping either. Good. He don’t deserve any sleep, if he had to ruin mine!

*sigh* I’m tired . so bloody tired. I want to sleep, but now I’m restless. Gahh. We are friends. We are best friends. But I don’t know everything about him while he knows everyfucking detail about me. He is mysterious and broody and I don’t like to poke my nose where its not my businesss. I give him enough space, yet he doesn’t appreciate that. He is fucking insecure or psychotic, chances being, both. We fight like we are a couple, so if we were actually a couple, oh my dear lord I would have gone insane by now. We hang out, hold hands, hug. But we have never kissed and I don’t ever want to kiss him. We are everything but. At the same time we are nothing. Its confusing while it should have been fucking simple. I’m going to kill him.

And all this while some kid somewhere is dying only because she is hungry. The world is a messed up place filled with petty messed up people like me and him.

CONFUSED FEELINGS OR JUST HORMONES

Something has changed. It’s different and new and I don’t know what to do about it. I wanted to kiss him tonight.

So well I’ve been telling you about the cute guy, remember? Well that was sometime in august when I had a teeny crush on him, but dismissed the feeling as nothing more. But then we slowly became friends, grew close to each other. And now I think I’m slowly losing sight of what we have and confusing everything in my head.

Okay so well when we first started talking, I had a crush on him. But then soon got over it as it was just something very flimsy. I’m a

in love or ruled by my hormones?

in love or ruled by my hormones?

sucker for personality and his is great. He’s quiet, hardworking and sincere and over all nice. But then I found out who he was as a person. What he liked and didn’t,  what he believed in and all his other thoughts. He tried to understand how my thoughts flow, what I think about, who I am. It wasn’t easy… We fought almost every third day, still do. But then no matter what we fight about, we make up the next day or sooner, the next minute. We simply cannot stay mad at each other.  I believed it was only purely platonic. That there were no other affectations. But tonight makes me think I might have been wrong.

A few weeks ago we kind of fessed up that we like each other, or previously liked each other in manners other than friends. But we were also very very sure about the point that we did not want to date each other, as being in a relationship entails commitments and responsibilities and troubles that we are not ready for right now.  I thought I couldn’t have asked for more. I was happy and content and felt a little blessed. But tonight has thrown all that into a ditch.

A few days ago, he told me that the only reason he is not asking me out is because he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. And I was okay with that because honestly, I’m extremely comfortable with where I am right now. I’m safe and happy and secure. I don’t have to worry if he is going to ditch me. I don’t have to worry about any sort of physical intimacy that I’m not comfortable with but have to take part in for sake of the relationship. I have the best thing possible.

And to top all of this, this week when I came down all the way to his city to surprise him, he surprised me with his reaction. I had planned that I would go see him while he was at practice (STUD plays footsie ) and he would probably give me a smile, or a hug and make me wait until the game was over and then ask me the general questions like when had I come and why hadn’t I informed him…all this with normal curiosity. But instead what happened was nothing less than a movie scene. I was standing at the gate of the field, the gates being slightly ajar. I saw him playing and he was standing right in front of me, but couldn’t see me coz he was concentrating on the game. And then someone kicked the ball, I heard someone yell “goal” I have no idea why and the ball came flying towards the gate and me. And all I could think of was “fuck Natasha,that is going to hit you”. But instead, as a reflex I lifted my leg a slight, the ball hit my thigh and stopped and then he just looked at the ball first, noticed something or someone had stopped it and then looked up to my face. His expression was priceless. I have never, ever seen anybody so happy on seeing me. His mouth open, he came in a slight run towards me, almost tackled me to the ground with his force and gave me a hug that choked but was welcome all the same. And then he held my face in both his hands (his hands are huge, my face feels kind of small in them ) and kind of smacked me, hugged me again, and then again hit my face like he didn’t know what to do with his hands!! He apologized to my sister for ignoring her at first and then said something along the lines of “take the ball, I’m not playing” but then I asked him to continue the game and see me after it was done.  Took him 5-8 minutes to calm down and go back to the field. But that reaction, I’m never ever going to forget. He got teased a bit by the others on the field and I did not really wish for that to happen, but he doesn’t mind it so I guess it’s okay.

So well a guy who constantly says he misses you, wants you around all the time and wants to spend every waking minute with you. Do I need anything more to prove to me that he does in fact genuinely like me? But then my brain, being the manipulator and speculator that it is, suddenly had me thinking along a different direction today. Something happened, we had a tiff and I walked away. He followed but then with an expression like he was being held against his will. That made me think. What if he doesn’t really want me here? What if he’s been having too much of my company and is sick of it? I mean, I have in fact visited him over 4 times and spent an average of 2 months here. What if he is bored and wants out. Out of what? Out of whatever it is that we have. So I got really upset and weird but I did not tell him all this. I thought I’d just ignore it and go home and not think about it. But then I was restless. I wanted to see him, hold him by his collar and ask what the fuck was his problem, even though I probably can’t do that-he is way taller than me. So I waited until I knew he would be done with practice, dedicated guy is the

to leave the field. I met him, sat down on the bleachers with him and talked. I told him all that I was worried about. He said I was stupid and thought too much about trivial things. And right then in the dark, I had this irresistible urge to just kiss him. But I didn’t. More on it later. I’m super sleepy, and he’s going to call me to wake me up tomorrow.

update

So my exams are done. Just the theory exam though, practical’s are still left but we haven’t got the schedule yet. I’m guessing it’ll probably be after New Year’s. Anyways. I did pretty well in them, considering how hard I had studied, and all I want is just passing grades, but um extremely extremely worried and I can’t seem to think of anything else but bad things. I need to study like crazy for practicals and viva to make sure that I haven’t left out any opportunity to score.

Well right now I’m with my sister in her city. Came down for a couple of days, just to relax and eat out and meet up with my friends. This BTW  went extremely extremely different than what I had expected. More on that later maybe. *sigh* its 3:23 in the morning, I should be sleeping but somehow not sleepy at all. I can’t stop thinking about what happened today. Gahh..Should go.